Imagine this: you're sitting in a restaurant and when the waitress asks for your friend's order, your friend goes through the whole menu of what she DOESN'T want. "I don't want the burrito and I don't want the tacos and I don't want the chimichanga."  How likely is she to end up getting what she was hoping to have for dinner?  Not very.   

 

But don't we do that to our kids on a regular basis when they are squabbling?

 

Do you ever get frustrated, dare I say, even yell at your kids, over sibling bickering?  It's no fun to admit, but many of us get annoyed at their bickering and say (or yell), "Stop arguing!"  Or, "Don't do that to your brother!"  I wish it was effective parenting, because it sure does flow out of my mouth easily and frequently. 

 

Perhaps.... instead of telling our kids what we DON'T want, maybe we can be more effective by telling them what we DO want with something more along the lines of, "I'd like you to keep your hands to yourself and use kind words."   It's like saying to the waitress, "I'd like the enchiladas, please." 

 

On long summer days with all the kids around more than usual, some parents have found it helpful to be proactive instead of reactive with sibling bickering.  They set a timer and tell the kids that if they can play together nicely until the timer rings, they get a _______ (fill in the blank here.... a check mark on a chart, a star, a quarter in the jar).  After several rounds of success, the parents will then offer a fun activity as a treat for playing well together .... a trip for ice cream, game night, a special treat.

 

What's cool about this strategy is that parents are creating more of what they do want (kids getting along with each other) instead of punishing kids for doing what the parents don't want (fighting). 

 

Thoughts, ideas, or responses?  Please feel free to comment on my Facebook page.  I'd love to hear from you!

 

With love and laughter,

Kerry 

 

 

• Have each one practice listening and let the other one say, “When you ___________, I felt ___________.”  Then ask the listener if there is anything they might be able to apologize for.  Don’t push this issue too hard.... forced apologies don't do a lot to create genuine remorse.

• You can help them work on taking ownership by having them say, “What I could have done better (or differently) is ___________.”

• You can also help them learn to ask for what they need or how they’d like to be treated by saying, “Next time, would you please ___________?”

When you get to the end of your rope, tie and knot and get support!  While summertime parenting can be lots of fun, it can also be especially intense and challenging.  When you need fresh ideas or to vent to someone, pick up the phone.  Whether it’s your mate, a friend, a therapist or family member, I hope you reach out for support and ideas.  You can always call me for a reality check and advice... that is my passion and my expertise, and I find great joy in helping create happy families.  My phone number is 303-770-4667 and my email is parenting@kerrystutzman.com.

Bored with the prototypical Fathers Day tie? Tried every new recipe for Fathers Day Dinner? Running out of money, or options for dad? Consider giving him a part of you!

(By Wayne Parker, About.com Guide)

Sure there are some dads who live to fish, golf, or hunt. And there are some that seem to love the latest gadgets. But all dads share one thing in common: they love making memories. Here are a few suggestions on making memories with dad on Fathers Day.

Play Spielberg. If you have a video camera, plan to make a memory by making a Father's Day movie . Prepare a "script" and gather material for costumes and props. Have a couple of brief rehearsals and then get it on film. If you really want to be creative, pick a couple of dad's favorite songs and make a music video with the whole family! The result will be a cherished memory with a great video to go along with it. Another variation on the movie idea is to get some of his favorite people to talk about him on video. Think about including his family members, his wife, his employer, his minister, neighbors, friends, fishing buddies-you get the idea.

Make a Coupon Book. Are there some chores Dad gets but really hates? Are there some things he loves to do with family members but can't seem to find the time? Consider the creation of a Father's Day coupon book with five to fifteen coupons offering various services or activities. These might include things like washing and waxing the car, taking him miniature golfing, going on a picnic, giving him two hours alone with his favorite novel, etc. The list is endless. And he will appreciate a tailor made gift of your time and interest in him.

Old Photos Can Be Fun (and Embarrassing). Surely in a closet somewhere are some old photos of the family at play. Find the box (or boxes) and bring them out on Father's Day. Pass them around and ask Dad what he remembers about the experience in the photo. This is guaranteed to generate both laughs and tears. And it will help you connect with the "old man." And remember, no snickers about his hair, his clothes, or those funky sideburns!

Try a Board (not "Bored") Game.Ok, they are kind of out of favor now, but odds are Dad had some favorite board games growing up. Did he like Dominoes , Scrabble or Yahtzee ? Or more recently, Pictionary or Trivial Pursuit? Try sitting down on Father's Day with some treats and a board game as a family and see what happens. You might find that these games are not as boring as you think and offer some great chances to laugh and interact.

A Progressive Dinner Among Relatives. Try this idea on for size, and involve your extended family in the process. Get a group together of Dad's siblings, cousins, in-laws, etc and plan a progressive dinner. This is where you have an appetizer at one house, a salad at the next house, a main course at the next house and a dessert at the last house. Then as a group, you go from one to the other all afternoon or evening long. Trade passengers in the cars so the dads get to visit with their extended family. Prepare food that can keep well for a while so that everyone can participate. With a little planning, you can give several dads a great and memorable Father's Day.

Click here to read the full article.

 

Thanks to L.A. photographer Linnea Lenkus

 

Ten years ago, when my children were young, we began a ritual that the whole family still enjoys today.  It all started because I wanted to teach Joshua, then age five, and Joel, then age two, about thankfulness in a way that was more fun and tangible than simply lecturing, "Be thankful."

The idea took shape one day when Joshua charged into the room, held up a dime, and said "Mommy, will you take down my piggy bank so I can put this in?"  Stretching that concept a bit, I wondered if the boys would go for a special bank that, instead of saving money, saved their blessings - those big and small events that bring happiness.

I rummaged around for just the right container... I then rounded up the boys and plopped a small gift box on the kitchen counter and asked, "Do you know what this is going to be?"  Puzzled, they shook their heads.  "Well," I said, "when something really good or exciting happens in our family, such as when you lose a tooth or you're kind to someone, we'll write it down on a piece of paper.  You can slide in the papers, kind of like a piggy bank.  We'll call it our Blessing Box."  "We'll keep the Blessing Box on top of the refrigerator, and when we want to add something we're thankful for, we'll bring the box to the dinner table to take special time to write a note and put it in the box.  Then on Thanksgiving, we'll open the box and read everything so we can remember and celebrate all of our blessings."

Since the kids were young, we discussed their ideas and my husband and I wrote notes for them.  They suggested events such as "Joel no longer gets up and eats a banana in the middle of the night" and "Joshua was kind to Joel even when Joel hit him."  It turned out that in addition to inspiring thankfulness, the box often provided an extra bit of recognition for a good deed or good behavior.  And then there was the fun of sliding the notes into the "bank," which the children particularly enjoyed when they were little.

             As their reading and writing abilities evolved over the years, the kids were able to write notes themselves.  As parents, Kevin and I found it enlightening to see what each child counted as important: losing a tooth, acquiring our dog, winning a basketball game, or Dad's return from a business trip. The kids learned that even the tiniest events or accomplishments were fair game.

            Some years, we added notes only every two or three months.  Now that the kids are older, we have a more regular schedule.  At the end of each month, on a night when we're all home for dinner, our son sets the table with paper and pen by each plate.  Then, while we dish up food or butter the rolls, we share our thoughts and write them down.

            Although everyone enjoys these monthly thankfulness feasts, we really look forward to our annual grand finale on Thanksgiving morning.  We open the Blessing Box, pass it around, and randomly pull out slips of paper to read.  It definitely starts off the day on a positive and thankful note.  After breakfast, I gather the pieces of paper into an envelope that I date and file.  With ten envelopes tucked away, I know the Blessing Box helps our kids practice thankfulness year-round.

"Disarming Defiance" For parents who deal with children being obstinate, defiant and challenging, here are a few thoughts on power struggles: If we deal with resistance by struggling back, not only will we damage our relationship with our kids and set them up to be rebellious, but we will be very frustrated.  It is a child's JOB to eventually claim control over his life and become independent.  "A child who feels he has no control over his life will spend much of his energy trying to manipulate the system and adults around him. A child who feels she has some control over her life will spend little time and energy trying to manipulate and control the parent" (written by Jim Fay).  We can create win-win situations and avoid power struggles by giving children choices.   Choices can make all the difference in the world.  Giving your child lots of choices gives him lots of opportunities to be in control.  "Would you like the red cup or the blue cup?"  "Would you like to hold hands in the parking lot or be carried?"  "Would you like to leave the park now or in five minutes?" (Ask five minutes before you really want to leave.)   The key to using choices is to offer two options, either of which will make you happy.  Always pick two choices you can live with.  "Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?"  Either way, I know my child has a coat if he needs it.  "Would you rather clean up your toys or have me do it?"  If I do it, the toys go to toy jail. (Click here to see a short video about toy jail.) If the child doesn't choose, be prepared to choose yourself.  Also, never give a choice unless you're willing to allow the child to live with the consequences of his/her bad choice.  Remember:  "I can live with either choice."  If they protest the choice that gets made for them, apply loads of empathy and do not engage in arguing or explaining. Allowing our children to make choices and live with the results gives them valuable real-world experience in making decisions and learning about the consequences of their actions.   If you have examples times you've used choices, please share your idea on my "Stutzman Consulting" Facebook page.   Dealing With "Potty Mouth" My darling little Landon, the youngest of my 3 boys, somehow learned some foul vocabulary at a much younger age than his brothers ever did.  When he was 3 years old, he'd say some obscenity and boy, did he ever get a reaction from his brothers' friends!  They were shocked and would tattle, and little Landon just stood there and beamed from all the attention.  I remember a funny conversation between Landon and his dad when he was three: Dad:  "Landon, we don't say that!" Landon:  "But I not say f_@#!" Dad:  "You just said it!" Landon:  "No, I not say f_@#!" Landon has been told over and over that we don't cuss, but nothing has gotten him to stop.  Tempting as it may be, I am not a fan of washing mouths out with soap. But I've got to admit, I sure have come close to doing it! So a couple weeks ago, my now-6-year-old Landon left a voice message for my girlfriend Debbie, and he said his version of "the f-word."  Finally, he was "caught."  I wasn't just hearing his brothers tattling about it... this time I could hear it for myself.  So here's what happened to address his cussing problem, and so far it has worked like a charm: First, he had to go to my friend's house and talk to her.  She told him that even her high schooler doesn't cuss and that they don't like anyone to cuss in their house or around them.  She was kind and respectful and did a great job and he was mortified by this "correction" and took it very seriously. Next, he had to interview three adults and ask them: 1) What do you think about cussing? 2) How do you feel when people cuss around you? 3) He had to make a little book with what he had learned from his interviews and illustrate it.  I then had it laminated and bound, and he now has a "Book About Not Cussing." Getting Landon to hear other people's views on cussing made more of an impact on him than having his parents tell him to stop doing it.  He got to hear that three of his favorite adults... a grandpa, a grammy, and an uncle all prefer not to be around people who cuss a lot.  It was eye-opening.  Instead of cussing continue to be a power struggle, Landon now had new information and chose to make a different decision.  (One tip:  before having a child call an adult for something like this, always talk to the adult first.)  This strategy has worked with my oldest son slapping little girl's rear ends in kindergarten, and it worked great when my second son was lying a lot.   One Mom Gets Her Energy Back  Here's a story from a mother who took the "Early Childhood Parenting Made Fun!" class.  She used one of the Love & Logic skills called the "energy drain" to salvage a day that had a rough start:  "I have to share - I had a great morning yesterday!  Harrison (3) had been acting up - refusing to get dressed, throwing toys, spitting milk at his sister and the table, etc.  I was determined not to make it ruin my day - my husband has been out of town and it's been hard enough, so I decided we were going shopping and I was bound and determined to enjoy it.  This is not something I often do with the kids in tow as far as browsing-type shopping.  Going in for a specific item and leaving, yes; browsing, no! So I told him what we were doing and that because of his behavior and my "energy drain," he would have to ride in the stroller, strapped in (also not the norm - he usually hops on and off as he wishes).  I had such a lovely time!  And to top it off - he had such great manners and was so nice during the expedition!  I definitely got my energy back - and I told him so!" "And I got a new sweater......" Porter