Drill Sergeant | Helicopter | Consultant
Were you raised by a “Drill Sergeant” always telling you to “Jump,” and you asking, “How high?” or were you raised by a “Helicopter” always hovering, ready to swoop in and rescue? Did you ever think about what kind of a message these parenting styles send to your kids? Drill sergeants are communicating these messages: “You can’t think for yourself. You can’t make it without me.” Helicopters send these messages: “You are fragile. You need me to protect you.”
Are these the kinds of messages you want to send to your precious children? If not, what can you do instead?
Consider adopting the “Consultant” approach to parenting. Consultants send this message to their kids: “You do your own best thinking.” How do consultant parents do this? One way is to offer choices and alternatives instead of giving orders or commands. Commands give something for the kids to fight against. Choices keep kids in thinking mode. Here are some guidelines for giving choices effectively:
Give only 2 choices, either of which you are happy with.
“Do you want to do your homework before or after your snack?”
“Do you want me to change your diaper over here or over there?”
If the child doesn’t decide in 10 seconds, you decide for them.
Only give choices when things are going well and before any resistance.
Build up your choice savings account so you can make a withdrawal.
“Sweetie, don’t I usually give you choices? It’s my turn now. Thanks for understanding.”
Kids Cooperate Better When They Have Choices
Many of the parents in my classes have been happy when they report how they’ve gained their child’s cooperation by giving choices. Parents report their toddlers successfully choose which bib to wear or which shoe to put on first or what song to sing when getting into the car seat. Parents share that their school age kids choose between washing the plates or the glasses first, going to bed now or in 10 minutes, or brushing their teeth before or after putting on their pajamas. Adding the tool of choices to your parenting toolbox can be just what you’re looking for to adjust your parenting style to the more consultative approach.